for_everyone | (no subject)

Hera's hovering near the door to her cabin.

She would hover near the door to Kanan's cabin, but she knows if she does that, he'll sense her there. And she's not –

He needs to rest. They all need to rest. They were lucky to all be alive. It had been an unbelievably, impossibly long day, ending with a massive shift for all of them. Meeting with Phoenix Squadron, with Fulc-

All right, it had been a more massive shift for some than others. And Hera's not sure how Kanan will feel about her after whatever the Empire had done to him, after her decisions both to leave him and to risk their crew – their family's lives to come after him. And then Ahsoka. She'd kept so much from him, and so much out of his hands, for so long. And she doesn't doubt herself for it, hasn't wavered in her belief that it was necessary, that it had protected them, all of them, not just her crew but the others slowing coalescing across the galaxy. She also believed that Kanan had been right, that they had needed to do more than cause the occasional nuisance to the Empire, than even saving a few lives. There had to be hope.

But Ahsoka's words still ring in her mind.
Your mission was to be unseen.

That hope was fragile as a single flame. What it needed was to survive. Keeping quiet had kept them alive, for the moment. But now there was Phoenix Squadron. There was Ahsoka. The threads of the web were beginning to connect.

And maybe what Kanan needs is to be alone. To think about it, and how he feels about it. And how he feels about her.

Hera doesn't want to be alone. But that's selfish. And she's not sure how to ask how he feels without revealing her own need.

So she lowers herself to the floor of her cabin, sitting up against the door, lekku pressed against it, and stares up at the ceiling. Trying to calm her mind, and trying to think of a way to knock on Kanan's door without having to knock on his door.

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"I'm not tearing myself up," she says, shaking her head again.

"I'm... honestly weighing my decisions."

Kanan just shakes his head in turn.

"That's probably how it started, sure."

Hera lets out a breath. She doesn't want to argue it with him, not now.

"Then maybe I should tear myself up a little about it. Enough that I don't take for granted."

Kanan's quiet for half a minute, then --

"Maybe. It all could have gone a whole lot worse, for one."

Which might seem a strange thing to say, but --

"We could've lost everything."

It's a harsh, heavy thought, one that had been simmering in her since -

Well, it had never not been there. But suddenly, Hera makes a kind of choked noise, like she'd nearly laughed and stopped herself, even letting go of Kanan and pressing her hands to her mouth.

Her eyes turn back to him, and she lowers her hands again. As if she'd only just now really realized it, "Kanan, we blew up a Star Destroyer."

They blew up Grand Moff Tarkin's Star Destroyer.

"We did."

Kanan, meanwhile, uses his now-free hands to press them into his eyes, rubbing for a moment and then letting his hands fall.

"I have a feeling we're going to get a lot more opportunities for that kind of thing in the future."

Given the givens. If Ezra and Kanan identifying as Jedi brought more Imperial resources on their tails . . .

Hera takes a moment to breathe, trying to work through the... very strange mix of emotions rushing through her.

"I thought the Empire might come down hard before," she manages, eventually.

"That Inquisitor seemed pretty hard to me. Not to mention the Grand Moff, but . . . "

He trails off, swallowing with some difficulty.

Then --

"What's coming next might make that seem like a day on Risa."

"Well -"

She says, a little tentatively.

"We have more allies now."

"We do," Kanan says, looking a little dazed.

(Of all the things he hasn't really been focusing on . . . )

"They've got a lot more well-prepared ships than I might've been expecting."

Edited 2018-06-30 02:46 (UTC)

"I wasn't expecting that rescue."

But with a quick half-smile. "I guess I should've known Chop would figure out how to call Fulcrum."

"He'd never leave us hanging," Kanan says.

Is that affection in his voice? (Maybe.)

"Even when we really annoy him."

Hera nods, though she glances away again, her smile fading quickly.

And finally, she asks the question she's wanted to, but it had felt obvious, or thoughtless, or -

"Kanan - are you - are you doing okay? With... all of this?"

He has to sit with that a minute, turning it over and over in his head.

"I guess the answer is . . . . yes and no?"

Kanan falls silent again, shaking his head a little as he tries to pick apart which feeling belongs to which . . . everything.

"I hurt all over, and I'm going to have screaming nightmares for a while. But everything went they way I hoped it would -- in terms of no one dying and me being the only one captured, so that's . . . good. I'm okay with that. And the larger Rebellion -- it feels like there's a greater chance of overall success now, knowing how many people are out there, a bit, and how it's organized, but -- "

He exhales.

"I'm not sure I'm ready to be back at war."

Hera goes quiet for a long moment.

Then -

"Is there anything I can do, for..."

Any of that really.

He's quiet again for a little while, then --

"Don't try to make me be part of the . . . not even the command structure, but just -- the whole machine. I want to help, I do, but the last time Jedi were an integral part of this kind of thing . . . I don't think it's where we belong. It's not how we're meant to work. We do better . . . differently. At least I want us to. I want me to. Ezra . . . he's got his own choices to make. That's part of it, too."

Hera blinks up, taken aback by this. She's not sure it surprises her, exactly - but it's not what she was expecting to hear at this moment.

After a few seconds, she answers, quietly, I'll try not to."

"Thanks."

He manages a small smile, even though it falls away pretty quickly.

"And, you know. Some company for a while would be . . . good. If that's . . . I mean, I don't know if that'd help you at all, but -- "

"Of course, Kanan."

She stays by his side on the bunk, eyes on him, and then flickering away as she considers what she's going to say next.

"And I - if you're in pain, there might be something I can do about it."

"Yeah?"

There's a look of relief in his gaze, though also a faint hint of wariness.

"As long as it doesn't mean I have to hang upside down for two hours while balancing a glass of water on my stomach."

Jedi techniques can be weird.

"... no."

What?

"Just - is it all right if I touch your hands?"

"Oh good."

He cracks a smile at that, and this one lasts a little longer.

"Uh, you know that's pretty much always fine by me, right?"

And their hands had just touched a few minutes ago. But Hera rolls her eyes.

"All right, dear."

Still, she holds out her hands, waiting for him to reach to her.

Kanan doesn't laugh, but some of the tension in his neck and shoulders leaches out at the word 'dear', anyway.

And then, obediently, he holds out his hands for her to take, for . . . whatever.

Hera moves her hands under his, gently pressing her thumbs into the center of his palms.

"When I was growing up, we didn't always have the supplies we needed, so we had to practice other options."

She presses her thumbs slightly deeper into his palms, then slides them up, just below his wrists.

"Just focus on me, and tell me if anything doesn't feel right."

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