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It's late in the cycle before Hera's back on the Ghost. That hasn't been unusual lately, but today it's because she had spent many extra hours on Phoenix Home, with the pilots now under her command. It was such a fast and sudden change that she hadn't had time to think any more on it. And at first, she hadn't wanted to. The easiest and in this case maybe the best thing was to just dig in. She already knew the pilots of Phoenix Squadron as an ally, had already noted much about their skills and tendencies. Speaking to them as a squadron leader came easily. And neither the pilots nor Sato seemed surprised at this. This was what kept her attention, in those first few hours.

But now she's back on the Ghost, back with her other crew. Rather than heading up toward the cabins, however, Hera moves downward. Down through the ship, on and on, until she reaches the cargo bay. It's completely empty now, as every free meter of it had been used to hold the crates that were dropped down to the Ibaarians.

Hera moves to the edge of the landing that look down into the bay, and lowers herself to the floor, hanging her legs down over the side of the cargo space. She leans forward, lifting one hand to the railing, and resting her head against it.

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It's been a very long day, harrowing and triumphant by turns, and by the end of it all Kanan wants to do is find Hera. She's not in her bunk (he checked there first), and she didn't leave to head back to the cockpit (he checked that second), and he doesn't think she'd be in the galley (it's too public), which means he eventually makes his way down to the cargo bay. He stops just inside the door on the landing, taking a deep breath.

"Mind some company?"

Hera glances up, and back, as she hears his footsteps.

She doesn't speak, but she immediately slides to the side, making room for him close to her.

Kanan grabs the railing in one hand and slides into the space Hera left for him, legs dangling easily. He leans his shoulder against hers, very gently, and takes another deep breath.

"Thanks."

She leans back against him, resting her head on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Kanan," she murmurs.

He wraps one arm around her waist, tucking her in a little closer.

"You made it back," he says in response, voice warm.

"You all right?"

After a moment, she answers, her voice still soft. "Yeah.

"Thanks."

He smiles a little, and when it fades --

"You were meant for this, Phoenix Leader."

Again, she stays quiet for a few moments.

"You recommended me for a military promotion."

"I did." His voice is quiet.

"They need you. You'll do well by the mission and by the soldiers under your command. And the non-soldiers under your command."

He huffs out a breath that isn't quite a laugh, and if it is, it's self-directed.

"I don't want it for me, but for you -- it means something. Something with the potential for good. So."

Hera closes her eyes as she listens to him. She feels like she's trying to swallow down his words, find some way to keep them inside her. To keep how she feels right now inside her, even if it still comes with a little guilt, at arguing with him earlier.

She takes a deep breath. "I don't know what to say."

He leans into her, tightening his arm around her waist and breathing out.

"You don't have to say anything."

There's the faintest emphasis on the word 'say'.

She came back. She saved the ones she meant to save. She's right here. Any one of those would be enough.

Hera nods against him, reaching out to take his free hand in her own.

"You were right before," she says. "I wasn't - thinking clearly."

Kanan tangles his fingers with hers, swinging their hands back and forth idly, just for a second. Then --

"You weren't wrong in what it would cost, to take the time we needed."

"No," she agrees, her voice still quiet.

"But I needed to see the bigger picture."

"Yeah," he agrees, his own voice nearly as quiet. "You did."

He breathes out.

"But other times it's me that needs to do that."

"I know."

It's still quiet, and she makes herself repeat it, louder. "I know, I - I know what you're saying."

"Just not feeling it right now? After . . . everything?"

He can understand that, but he's not sure it's what's making her quiet.

After a pause -

"The longer this goes on, I think - the less room we'll have for things like that."

"Maybe," Kanan says slowly, rubbing at his chin.

"But I think there's a limit to how much we can help it. Individually, I mean."

"I don't know," she murmurs.

"If I'm going to do this I'll have to - I've always had to -"

His hand no longer in hers, she presses her fingers together. "- leave that kind of thing behind."

He stops rubbing his chin, resting his hand on the railing for a moment as he watches her, mouth faintly downturned.

"You can always bring it to me, if -- I mean, to get it out of your head. If that would help."

He should have offered that already, shouldn't he have? Or maybe this is the wrong way to talk about it --

"There's a lot more people to worry about, now. Though I'm pretty sure you've been doing that already."

"That's what I mean," she says, folding her arms into her chest.

"I have to keep my head here and now, with them. And usually I think I'm pretty good at that..."

But not today. Or at least, she can't help but see it that way.

"Usually you are," he confirms, because it's true.

"This mission just . . . struck a chord. But you went, and you came back. And we succeeded in getting the supplies on the ground."

Hera doesn't answer this time, other than to nod, and then to rest her head back against his shoulder.

He turns to press his lips to the top of her head, breathing out.

"I know it's not the greatest comfort, but -- you worked through it this time. You will when it happens again. I know it."

Kanan doesn't take a lot on faith, but this, he will.

"I think you're right," she says.

"I even think it'll get easier, but -"

He could try to fill in that space, probably, and maybe at another time he would. But right now, concerned as he is about not somehow getting this wrong --

"But?"

Kanan lays his hand on her back, up between her shoulder blades, rubbing back and forth very gently. He hopes it's comforting.

Edited 2019-02-24 03:24 (UTC)

She closes her eyes, briefly, before looking up to him.

"But it's giving up more of myself."

Hera glances away as she says it. She knows that Kanan, better than anyone, knows what that is.

Kanan takes a breath, leaning his weight against her a little more heavily for a moment. He doesn't try to recapture her gaze.

"Is there another choice you'd make?"

If we want freedom -

"It's what I've chosen," Hera answers. "Since I left home, since -"

She breaks off, takes a breath, and then does look back at him. "This isn't even my real voice. Sometimes I forget how long it's been since I've heard my real voice."

"You can always use it with me," he says, looking back at her. "If you want."

And, because that's not addressing the whole of it --

"Your real voice, I mean. But . . . "

But.

"I'm choosing this, too. All the way. With you."

She looks down again, but nods. After a few seconds, she reaches out, resting on hand on his knee.

"All the way," she repeats, making it just barely a question.

He moves his hand to cover hers, slipping it sideways a little so that his fingers fit into the spaces between her own.

"All the way," he confirms.

Because it's the truth.

Hera presses her fingers along his, and then raises her eyes back to him.

It doesn't take much effort, really. It's already long overdue.

"Istre amroseun."

He can't help the smile that spreads across his face, lighting it up from within. Kanan shifts to rest his forehead against hers, to feel the exhale of her breath around him, and return the same.

And, without any of the careful diction he learned in the Temple, without the rough braggadocio he learned in the streets after the Temple --

"I love you, too."

Edited 2019-02-24 04:37 (UTC)

The change in his voice startles her, briefly, but she doesn't move from him. Hera puts her free hand on the railing to keep her balance, and uses the leverage to lean toward him.

And she turns her head, so that she can press her lips to his.

Edited 2019-02-25 07:13 (UTC)

He catches his breath in relief rather than surprise, and kisses back, pulling her closer with the arm he already had wrapped around her waist.

Her skin is warm, and her breath, and --

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