for_everyone | (no subject)

This had been itching at her for a while. She knew it was time, overdue probably, but it was always so easy to be busy elsewhere. Even setting aside a moment for it could feel like a waste – she might as well be calling into a black hole for all the response she got. Not that it mattered, she never really wanted an answer. If anything had happened to him, she would've found out quickly enough through their mutual contacts. And the same was probably true if something happened to her. He didn't need these occasional updates that she was still alive.

And yet, she draws Chopper into the galley with her. It's late in the cycle, and she's fairly sure Kanan's in his room. Right now that's just as well. Chopper rolls back a couple meters from her, and she nods. "All right, start now."

Chopper lifts his photoreceptor toward her, and a soft blue light flares within. Hera looks into the light, shoulders squared, chin up.

"Hello, father."

The first part is always the same.

"I'm still alive, and I'm safe."

This is only half true. In her entire life, Hera had never been safe.

"I have another crewmember now. Besides Chopper. He's actually been here for a while, but I didn't say anything before."

Hera does glance away. Her lekku twitch.

"I thought maybe you'd want to know I'm not alone."

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"Well, that's just . . . "

He trails off. What does a person say here? He's already covered that he's sorry, and that her father's behavior sounds baffling and upsetting, so --

"Do you want me to heat up some protein? To go with the caf, since it's getting late in the day, anyway."

She glances up, and then, after a second, nods.

"If you're hungry."

"Right."

He stands up after a second, going to riffle through the cupboards looking for the protein cubes that are the closest thing he gets to a favorite.

Then he turns back, looking at Hera over his shoulder.

"You do know you're the most important person on this crew, right? The most central to what we do."

"I appreciate that, Kanan."

Hera leans forward over the table, watching him search.

"But I'm not -"

She props her elbows up on the table, folding her hands and resting her head on them.

"It doesn't bother me, that he doesn't respond."

"No? I . . . guess that's good."

It's not like Kanan knows how parent-child relationships work, not from the inside or the outside.

"I don't know what he'd say. He can't tell me about what he's doing." She looks away from him, back down to her caf. "Maybe which of our friends have died."

Information she was also perfectly capable of finding herself. Which she's sure he knew.

Yet she looks back up to Kanan, watching him for a bit. And then, she speaks again, slowly. "I've known so many people who've lost family, or had family that treated them like they were nothing. I know this - it seems like a waste."

"Wh -- "

He looks up, eyes gone wide.

"I don't think it's a waste. Just . . . a different kind of hurt. Or loss, maybe. It's never come up before, is all, and I wasn't sure if that was because it hurt, or because it just never came up."

"You don't think I should just swallow my pride and call him?"

A trace of that not-exactly-happy smile is back. "That's what some of our friends like to tell me."

His eyebrows go up a little. Or maybe more than a little.

"You're already reaching out with these messages. If that's not what your father wants to respond to, that's on him."

"Maybe."

She knows her father is right, though. That if she wanted to talk, she wouldn't send a message.

"But I think I'd try, anyway, if I thought he'd changed his mind."

"There's always time, hey? Maybe someday he'll surprise you."

He wonders if she'd like that, or if it's much too much to count as either liking or not-liking.

She shakes her head. Softly, "We don't know that there's time."

With a look back up to him, she adds, "But I hope so, too."

"We never really know," Kanan agrees, mouth quirking at one corner, less amusement than wry understanding.

"But neither of you are dead yet, so."

"We've both been lucky," she agrees.

It's really not the right word. But she doesn't know of better one, at least not in Basic.

She lets her thoughts flutter briefly to her mother. But it was ground she had already covered with her father - that believed she would have defended them, and they would never, ever really know. Hera does know her mother would hate this rift, and that alone would be enough to push her to reach further across it. Even if, maybe, she shouldn't have to.

But -

"I just can't talk to someone who doesn't believe in me or this work now." Her voice is even, and she lowers her folded hands to the table. "I can't hear it again from him."

Kanan reaches out to rest his fingertips on the back of her wrist, the lightest of fleeting touches.

"I understand, and I won't make you. Or, I won't make you talk about . . . . this. I'm not sure I can do anything about the other bit, when we're dealing with people not on this crew."

"I expect it from others."

Those words can wash off her like rainwater. But her father's weren't so easy.

Still she unfolds her hands, turning one over to brush her fingers along Kanan's. "It's all right. It had to come up at some point."

"Thanks for telling me," Kanan says, very simply.

"I know it would have been hard to avoid, in the long run, but still."

"It's just as well that you know."

Her mouth tugs into another half-smile. "I'd be surprised if we never make it to Ryloth."

Kanan closes his eyes, bringing one hand up to cover his eyes.

"If we ever do get there, I'm going to embarrass myself so much, aren't I?"

"Don't worry, love," she says, moving her fingers to take his hand.

"You'll probably do that anyway."

He laughs a little, helplessly, and tangles his fingers with hers.

"Well, at least it won't be a standout moment of humiliation. That's a comfort."

She also laughs, shaking her head.

"All right. Are we going to eat protein now?"

"Give me five minutes to actually heat it up, the texture is horrible when it's cold. And maybe add some of that spice mix you like to part of it?"

Kanan will pass on that, but --

Flavor isn't always a bad idea.

"I think I can find something."

And maybe also something Kanan would like.